Engels

=Moppen i.v.m Engels=

__Aspirine__
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

__Englishman__
====They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.====

__**Another dumb blond joke**__

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home, studied all night and memorized all the state capitals.

 Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "You know, I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went  home last night and did something probably none of you could ever do...I memorized all the state capitals."

 One of the guys said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"

"N", she answered proudly.

How to get a blond on the roof of a bar?
 * __A dumb blond joke__**

 DRINKS ARE ON THE HOUSE!


 * __Prayer to God__**

A man was praying to God.

 He said, "God!?"

 God responded, "Yes?"

 The man said, "Can I ask a question?"

 "Go right ahead," God said.

 "God, what is a million years to you?"

 God said, "A million years to me is only a second."

 "Hmmmm..." the man pondered.

 Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

<span style="color: #000000; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;"> God said: "A million dollars to me is as a penny."

<span style="color: #000000; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;"> So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?"

<span style="color: #000000; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;">And God cheerfully said, "Sure!! ... just a second."

__**Woman drivers**__ <span style="color: #000000; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;">Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

<span style="color: #000000; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;"> I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!!

<span style="color: #000000; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;"> It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!

<span style="color: #000000; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;">DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!! downirles rule

=
=__**English at the Level of Xibit.**__=

=


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__**From Blackadder goes forth :**__

baldrick: my father was a nun.

blackadder: no he wasn't!

baldrick: He was so sir! I know 'cause everytime he was up in court and the judge said "occupation ", he said "none".

......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................





**__An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.__**
 * __He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out laughing.__**
 * __"What do you think you're laughing at," he cried, "you're next."__**

**__An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.__**


 * __The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."__**


 * __The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."__**

** __A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:__ **
 * __"Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"__ **
 * __"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."__ **


 * 6 truths of life**

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that the first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.



There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home, studied all night and memorized all the state capitals.
 * All the capitals.**

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "You know, I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could ever do...I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the guys said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"

"N", she answered proudly.

A man was praying to God. He said, "God!?" God responded, "Yes?" The man said, "Can I ask a question?" "Go right ahead," God said. "God, what is a million years to you?" God said, "A million years to me is only a second." "Hmmmm..." the man pondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" God said: "A million dollars to me is as a penny." So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?" And God cheerfully said, "Sure!! ... just a second."
 * 1 million dollars.**

Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight (ate) nine!
 * Six afraid of seven.**

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert." The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
 * Calming your son**

__Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.__ __As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"__ __After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.__
 * Let's take a trip to Disney**

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer
 * Spelling checker**

Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect in it's weigh My chequer tolled me sew.

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
 * Better relationship**

**The bridegroom** A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."


 * <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',Times,serif;">I knew a blonde that was so stupid that....... **__


 * she called me to get my phone number.
 * she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
 * she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
 * she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
 * she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
 * she tried to drown a fish.
 * she thought a quarterback was a refund.
 * she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
 * she tripped over a cordless phone.
 * she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
 * she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
 * she studied for a blood test.
 * she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
 * when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
 * when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
 * when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home


 * **You've got mail, the Blonde version** ||
 * A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box.

She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that.

The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail". ||

=**Quantity**=


 * Vertalingen van Engels naar Chinees**

Small Horse ............................................................ Tai Ni Po Ni. I think you need a facelift ........................................ Chin Tu Fat. I am not guilty........................................................Wai Hang Mi. We have a problem? ................................................ Sum Ting Wong?


 * Gebuisd voor Engels, hoe zou het toch komen?**

He had a careful mother .......................................... Hij had een kar vol modder. The bad man made his breakfast ................................ De badman maakte zijn broek vast. The play is not fair ................................................. De plee is niet ver. How late is it?.......................................................Hoe laat is het?

Past Participle...

<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 110%;">Teacher: What's the past participle of the verb "to ring?" <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 110%;"> Student: What do you think, sir? <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 110%;"> Teacher: I don't think. I KNOW. <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 110%;"> Student: I don't think I know either, sir <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 120%;">.

Complaints... <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 70%;">Principal: "I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all of your teachers. What have you been doing?" <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 70%;"> Johnny: "Nothing, sir" <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 70%;"> Principal: "Exactly!"

First day...
A mother says to her daughter, "Did you enjoy your first day at school?" Her daughter answers, "First day? Do you mean I have to go back again tomorrow?"


 * Waarom Engels leren?**

Jaap vraagt aan zijn vader waarom hij eigenlijk Engels moet leren. "Maar jongen, de halve wereld spreekt toch Engels!", antwoordt zijn vader. Waarop Jaap verbaasd reageert: "Is dat dan nog niet voldoende?"

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?" The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away. Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
 * One hungry Bush...**


 * De beste grap in Engeland**

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

In Groot-Brittannië is een wel heel opvallend signalisatiebord opgedoken. Op het bord prijkt namelijk een compleet verkeerde vertaling.
 * Kromme vertaling op verkeersbord**

In Wales zijn alle officiële verkeers- en signalisatieborden tweetalig. De bedoeling was dan ook dat de Engelse tekst op het bord vertaald zou worden naar het Welsh. Daarvoor werd een e-mail verzonden naar de in-house vertaaldienst, met de vraag voor een vertaling.

Afwezigheidsmelding

Toen er een e-mail werd teruggezonden, dachten de instanties, die het Welsh duidelijk niet begrepen, dat het ging om de vertaling. In feite ging het om een out of office-bericht, dat in het Welsh was geschreven. Zo kwam het dat onder de tekst die vrachtwagens verbiedt een woonwijk in te rijden, de tekst "Ik ben niet op kantoor op dit moment. Stuur aub werken die vertaald moeten worden" kwam te staan.


 * Tolk(i)en**


 * Wanneer een leraar Engels op pensioen gaat ...**

**Making babies** A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more that a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

=**Why did the zombie baby cross the road?**= To wreak an unholy vengeance upon the driver of the car who’s standing there, scratching his head, trying to figure out how a zombie baby’s head can be beneath his car tires but the rest of the body is nowhere to be seen– unless he were to turn around and notice the zombie baby body bearing down on him, coming ever closer, ready with grasping, pudgy zombie baby fingers to tear and rend at the flesh of this self-same driver who ran his head over, on the dark and rain-swept road that snakes down from the castle of the madman who’s creating an army of zombie babies to do his dark, libidinal bidding.


 * Golf**

,, and an older bearded man were playing of golf. Moses stepped up to and hit the ball. It the water. Quickly, Moses raised his and the water, allowing the ball to roll to the other side onto. Next, Jesus came up and hit his ball toward the same water hole. This time it for a few seconds over the water. , Jesus walked over to it and it up onto. The older man then teed up and the ball which headed over to a nearby. It bounced off the top of a truck and rolled down of a nearby house, then landed safely on a in a small pond where a large swallowed it. At that moment a large eagle and grabbed the frog. As they passed over the golf course, the frog and the ball fell out of his mouth and into the hole for a beautiful. Moses turned to Jesus and said,  I hate playing with your dad.


 * 3 Engelse woorden**

Jantje zit in de klas en krijgt onder zijn voeten van de juf. Hij moet na het weekend 3 engelse woorden kennen.

Thuis gekomen ziet hij zijn mama en papa juist vertrekken naar een afspraakje. Ze zijn bijna te laat, de papa is zijn GSM vergeten en roept: "SHIT!" En jantje onthoudt het woord.

Dan ziet hij zijn buurjongen vertrekken met de brommer. Hij is echt in zijn nopjes en gilt: "Lets go, baby!!" Dat onthoudt Jantje.

Net voor hij gaat slapen vraagt jantje aan zijn oudere broer of hij een engels woord kent. Zijn broer kijkt super-graag naar Superman en roept: "Superman!!!!" En Jantje onthoudt het.

Als Jantje maandag weer naar school gaat roept de juf Jantje wat vroeger naar binnen en vraagt: "Zo, wat zijn je 3 engelse woorden?" Jantje kijkt boos omdat hij net een doelpunt wou maken en zegt: "Shit,...", Dat was met een boos toontje. De juf: "Wat? Naar de directeur!" Jantje: "..., Lets go, baby!", met de zelfde stem als zijn buurjongen. De juf: "Seg, wie denkt gij wel da ge zijt?!" Jantje vrolijk: "Superman!!!!"

A Chinese guy walks into a bar and the bartender goes...
 * Chinese Guy**

"Why the wong face?"

What did the redneck say after losing his virginity?
 * Rednecks**

"Thanks mum!"

What do you call a blind dinosaur? DOYOUTHINKHESAURUS
 * Dinosaurs**

=**English teachers and correcting**=

<span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">An English teacher often wrote little notes on student essays. She was working late <span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> one night, and as the hours passed, her handwriting deteriorated. <span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> The next day a student came to her after class with his essay she had corrected. <span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper." The teacher took the paper, <span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> and after squinting at it for a minute, sheepishly replied, <span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> "It says that you need to write more legibly!"

<span style="display: block; font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">The Sermon

<span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. <span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> He began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look <span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> on his upturned face,"Without you we are but dust... "

<span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient <span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> daughter(who waslistening!) leaned over to me and asked <span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"


 * Scores**

From my teacher of maths I got one From my teacher of biology I got two From my teacher of French I got three From my teacher of geography I got four From my teacher of history I got five From my teacher of physics I got six From my teacher of Spanish I got seven From my teacher of English I got eights

Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ? A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

A English teacher asked a student to spell 'I met.' The student: I AM E T.
 * Could you spell?**